What Men Need Most

A man most needs what only he can give.

What is that thing?

I can’t tell you.

I can only leave clues.

He’ll find it on 6 hour walk, perhaps.

Or in an empty gym at 2am… or in the depths of a relationship as it gasps its last breaths, and he stands still, feeling it all.

Of course, we never truly know when that last breath will come.

Maybe not yet.

A man most needs what he couldn’t possibly ask for.

Because to ask would be soul-crushing for the woman or child who can’t possibly oblige.

He needs to feel his longing, forget the ask, and to take a deep inhale instead.

To draw his safety from the God in his heart.

And to exhale his heart’s essence upon those who can’t seem to give him enough.

It’s true — it’s unfair that mens needs are considered last.

But it’s also unfair that a man can be so strong, and that his life can be so simple.

Not that he always feels strong. Not that life always seems simple.

That’s where I serve.

I support men to make life simpler.

I don’t tell them how to live. No man can tell another how to live well. I’m a skilled brother.

My role is to remind men that capacity is the answer, and show them effective ways to build it.

The guys I work with are ambitious. They’ve found ways to show up for what matters to them despite feeling chronically drained.

They need physical strength, emotional steadiness and internal tranquility. Freedom, really.

I often see something else missing, too. Something few men would knowingly seek out.

Intimacy with death.

And everything it represents.

Something cute modern therapy and the health-world egregiously ignores.

Men need proximity to death as much as they need oxygen.

Without it, we become our own worst enemies and unwittingly neglect those we’re here to love.

Men exist to stare down the barrel of life at its end. To hold that psychological and emotional ground.

When we are cognisant of death, life’s immense beauty blossoms through us.

We become a safe haven for tenderness. Softness seeks us out.

It’s quite something to learn to dance with death and breathe it in.

Contemplating the finite nature of the places, pastimes and people we hold dear will make us feel.

And feeling is often harder for men than being destroyed, because men think they’re hard.

We are not hard. We are immensely sensitive. That is why courage is everything, for a man.

Without reasons to be courageous, a man hollows out completely.

Men need risk. We need to immunise ourselves against fear — of our own accord.

Lest our loves reveal our fears and cause us to hate them for it.

Only a coward hates those he loves.

Cowardice is more dangerous than danger.

Too much safety will break us in ways hard knocks never could.

Courage and injury is far safer than a meek life wasted in avoidance of the edges.

If you are a man, you will find chaos thanks to your primal urge to embody coherence.

Know this and make your offering at the chaos altar: nature and woman.

Or do not… in which case you will create ridiculous struggles to overcome.

We seek masculine initiation in strange ways — through our own mess, especially.

Look at the mess in your life. There, in the thicket of fear, your soul awaits you.

Few men were initiated in this path.

Many of us were boys who had to figure it out.

The truth is, it’s an art. Many a father tried earnestly to do right by his son, though it can be hard to see.

As infants, we’re nourished by safety.

As boys, we start to require challenge — a sprinkle of risk.

As adolescents, we need support in our fascination with power, and genuine danger.

As young men, our primary need is to wield our skills well and build something for ourselves.

As mature men, we give. We give. We give. We give, knowing that our giving is receiving.

There is nothing God doesn’t see.

No character trait a man can have and hide from.

Grabbing and getting is a poor man’s game. Accumulation makes us poor.

Becoming and exuding is a rich man’s game. Letting life’s essence flow makes us rich.

Death is real, but only to that we try to hoard.

Life is real, but only to the man who gives his life to God.

Risk is real, but only when not taken.

A man’s life is the sum of the love he gives, no matter how the chips fall.

You are a diamond, my friend.

Thank you for everything you are.

And second to that, for everything you do.

I don’t know you the way you know you.

But the love that pours through our hearts is one and the same.

Here and now is yours — an eternal gift, ever-changing.

Stand tall, stand steady, hold your head high.

Inhale this world and exhale your presence.

One day — on a day just like today — you will take your last breath.

That moment will be a now, just like this one.

Gather yourself. Bring your attention into your body, then turn your body toward your attention.

There is nothing to protect against. Nothing can touch you.

It is already done. Written. Taken care of.

Go deeper. Don’t wait. Meet God while you’re still breathing.

Dive in and fear nothing.

This world is for you.