Sneakier hang-ups

I’m sitting inside the most peaceful, spacious house as I write this… but I haven’t been allowing myself to fully enjoy it.

Because I want it so much. The wanting is getting in the way.

This place is so quiet yet so expansive and light-filled. It’s in such a temperate part of the world with nature peering in the vast rectangular windows. It’s dreamy and it inspires me.

But it’s not mine.

And yet here I am, alone, with full access to it. So I ask myself “why do you need to own this to enjoy it?”

Because I want it to last longer than it will. I want to “lock it in”. I want this to be “my life”. I want the security of knowing that I have a home-base.

There is a peculiar beauty about this, because in part, it shows me what I want, and that I still have strong desires, which is a very comforting human thing. And there’s also a melancholy because having identified more clearly what it is that I want, I feel more both closer to and more distant from it than before.

If you noticed these thoughts, what would you do with them? Would you wish them away? Normally, I’d probably say “these thoughts are stopping you from having the very thing you say you want in the future, right now!”

I’m sure there’s truth to that… but hey, maybe there’s another equally important truth playing out.

I think, for me, there’s an impulsiveness in immediately trying to fix or even reframe these thoughts or feelings. I think I’ll let myself sit in the experience for a while instead.

Ah, the uncomfortable comfort of rushing.
The smiling self-assassin pattern of seeking to rectify reality before enjoying it. It comes in many forms, ever more subtle.

Even“quieting the mind” can become another obstacle, placed there by the shadow to avoid immersion in presence.

Meanwhile, the birds are singing and I am beginning to enjoy the crisp, soft echoes of the keypad floating through this generous living space.