Crossing the Line
Growing up, I felt a lot of pressure to succeed. Though I was not always sure what success was meant to look like for me, I knew it had something to do with being all you could be.
I felt this pressure from my father, mostly. He was a truly remarkable man who achieved tremendous things. Now that I am a man myself, I recognise his human flaws. I recognise the way he imprinted certain traits upon me, that I am both grateful for and struggling with. All parents do this and as we mature, it is our responsibility to re-parent ourselves and become conscious of what we bring to our relationships. That’s for another e-mail.
Dad was loyal to a fault, fiercely loving and had an incredible work ethic. What felt to me like pressure (and often was) was also an invaluable gift. I never knew at the time why he would be so headstrong about me “getting on with it” - practicing music, kicking the ball with both feet or keeping up with my art, despite my resistance. Later, I realised Dad’s gift was that he believed in me more than I believed in myself.
Perhaps he didn’t want me to know the world of excuses and regrets. I know he had a few. In any case, the burden I would carry into the years when I no longer had him was also a reminder to myself that my life was worth something. If he wasn’t the intense kind of father he was, I guess I might’ve forgotten this and fallen into self pity when he died. In his own way, he was teaching me to do rather than wish and that I didn’t need permission to stand tall.
”The reason you want to be somewhere is the same reason you aren’t”
- Alan Watts
Wanting reinforces wanting. Being reinforces being. I know that at this point, reading more books on philosophy will not make me the teacher I aspire to be. Turning inwards more often in meditation will not create the change I crave. Nor will planning the road ahead more carefully, by taking more factors into account. These are all avoidance behaviours. Procrastination masquerading as productivity.
This two-faced procrastination demonstrates our willingness to do what is familiar, comfortable and apparently easy, rather than face uncertainty through action. In this plentiful, modern western world we have traded resourcefulness for resources, at the expense of the action which comes from necessity. Many who have thrived before us did so with far less.
Dad often told me of the “Crossing The Line Ceremony” in the merchant navy - an initiation rite that commemorates a sailor’s first crossing of the Equator. The symbolic ceremony typically features King Neptune, God of the Seas, and is both a theatrical and challenging test of worthiness for the sailor. If a shipmate could handle the flack of his crew and a little rough-housing, he could handle the time at sea and that was a morale boost for everyone.
The ocean represents a vast, deep uncertainty. If the sailor can face Neptune and cross the line, knowing that it might not work out, the God of the Seas will be on his side from there on.
There is no qualification which can entitle you to act upon your desires. There is no coach, mentor or guru who is more qualified than you are in living your life. These things are only as powerful as the power we, ourselves, confer upon them. This is not to say that advice, support and social accountability aren’t valuable; simply to say that ultimately it is up to you to cross the threshold.
Who you become in the process is who you have always been but never admitted to being.