Letting go of the wheel

Easily the most rewarding part of my work as a teacher/mentor is the quality conversations. I routinely get off a call feeling totally energised… An interesting thought that has often popped up is “Can this really be work? Or am I taking the piss?”. When I think about where this thought stems from, it’s probably a limiting belief that somehow ingrained itself in me when I was younger - the belief that work has to feel ‘hard’ or ‘draining’.

When I haven’t interacted with my students/mentees for a while, I actually start to slip back into this “I don’t want to work” mindset. This has nothing to do with what I currently do, and everything to do with past patterns of thinking; namely that “I have to do things I really hated doing in order to survive” and “If I don’t have to energy to do what I should do, then I’m lazy/weak/not good enough”. I sometimes go to a pretty heavy, dark place if I spread myself too thin, because the physiological state of depletion is tied to this scarcity narrative, and the scarcity narrative is tied to ineffective action and further depletion.

But it’s all good, because the more I see these patterns arise, the less I have to push them away. Awareness itself is our major tool here, because awareness allows understanding, and understanding helps us to make sense of the bigger picture. When we can see the bigger picture rather than identifying with individual pixels, we gain a sense of context and coherence. You can imagine this whole process as a built-in anti-virus software. But the software only works when you step back, listen and scan the entire system.

It can be counter-intuitive because many of us have grown up believing that to zoom in with our rational/logical mind and fix ourselves like a mechanic would fix a car. But the problem is that when we narrow our focus like this, everything looks like a problem to be solved, and the ‘fixing’ work never ends.

So… we can activate this self-cleansing process in a number of ways, but the common theme in all of my favourite methods is this: relaxing the attention into the feedback of the nervous system (maybe this is one way to define meditation). Once this relaxation begins, our awareness/attention becomes softer, more expansive and more sensitive. Imagine turning a garden hose from the jet setting to the spray setting. Now do that, with your attention. It might help to look away from the screen as you do this (as screens encourage us to do the very opposite: harden, focus and contract the attention).

If you’re identified with your analytical mind, it can be scary to do this, because you don’t trust yourself to soften, let go and let your nervous system steer itself… It can also be difficult if you spend a lot of time in ‘productivity mode’ and don’t let your mind drift or rest often. But for those who can let go, space gradually arises between the witness consciousness (the part of you which notices) and the subject or object of attention. This space is the magic, because it allows incredibly efficient, sensitive, effortless perception at the same time as non-attachment (the feeling that you’re playing the game but not stuck in it). This is what I like to call the attuned state. It feels a little super-human. When you notice this space open up, play with the feeling of resting into it and let go of any sense of ‘this’ (self) and ‘that’ (other). Just be the space.

Now what’s really interesting is that the best way to teach or transmit this to another person isn’t by explaining. If what you’ve read so far makes any sense, it’s because you’re already familiar with these conscious processes, or you’ve spent time exploring your relationship with attention and energy. If this is you, then I’m not teaching you anything you don’t already know… We’re just painting with words and symbols to hint at that thing that can’t be communicated. Although this may teach you some new ways of talking about the thing, it isn’t teaching you the thing itself. Trying to teach it can actually get in the way.

In order to transmit this stuff to another human, you simply have to be it. No words, no explanations, no depictions. Any attempt to communicate will find no landing place because there is no existing context for the words to find home. Just be you, in the purest way you know how, and allow others to become interested. By doing this, you give off a certain quality, presence, energy or vibration (maybe literal, maybe symbolic). Offer your full attention with no agenda other than to practice open awareness for yourself. If you refrain from pushing your view on others and instead use interactions to practice the above, you may find people begin to share in that open, calm space with you. When this happens, you’ll know, because the interaction will feel subtly energising rather than depleting or frantic. You’ll see that quality in the other that sees you, and you’ll recognise your likeness, without words.

This meeting of awareness on the same wavelength is what’s known as resonance. One of my students, (who is both a beautifully intuitive mover and an engineer) told me that when two objects vibrate at the same frequency (with space between them), each amplifies the intensity of the vibration in the other. Whether we look at this literally or symbolically, it’s pretty cool. So, when I think about what makes my calls with students energising, it’s the resonance, not the money or the information (that’s valuable, but not energising). It’s the sense of forgetting ‘me’ and ‘you’ and just resting into an open channel of energy exchange.

The funny thing is that when I really interrogate people I work with on what exactly they’re gaining from our conversations, it’s the sharing of energy is the thing that comes up over and over again. What most people are searching for is a space where they can relax, be seen and gain a sense of aliveness through playful affirmation. When we create this container, there’s no need for fixing or ‘coaching’ in the classical sense. It’s amazing how many people (including myself) carry scars from coaching relationships where, through a lack of understanding, they finished up feeling more inadequate than when they started. If you know me, you know I often talk about letting go of the need to self-improve... We give it all up, and paradoxically, the growth then seems to emerge organically with very little effort.

If this is something that resonates with you, I’d love to hear why!

~ Jack