Going where you need to

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you feel like the day will sweep you away as soon as you get out of bed? You stay tucked in, huddling in your warmth for a few more minutes, wishing you could ‘seize the day’ but feeling, truthfully, like a child who isn’t ready to go to school. And you know it’s a shallow comfort - that there can be no real rest and relief in avoidance, and that the hero’s journey is to stoically, faithfully rise your potential. But in this moment, that philosophy doesn’t feel as good as a few extra minutes in the nest.

And then there are the times where you almost find yourself halfway through your day before you actually wake up. And when you do wake up (if you wake up at all) you might feel a little frantic and scattered, but now you’re a runaway train and it’s harder to pause for a moment than it is to keep going. You know you’ve been busy - even productive, but was it really you? Where did those 4 hours go between ‘x’ and ‘y’ time? Crazy how we can run on autopilot for so much of the day. Maybe this fear of losing ourselves is precisely why we stay in bed in the first place.

When I’ve found myself in this pattern of either feeling stuck and hesitating or feeling unconsciously swept into habit, I think it’s been because I don’t have a clear idea of my purpose - what I’m doing and why. I realise this may seem to clash with the idea of living an un-calculated life, spent flowing with present moment, so let me explain why purpose and spontaneity are actually best friends. When you aren’t sure where you’re headed, it’s not so easy to relax back into the seat of consciousness and watch things play out. Without a feeling of purpose, the ego is at a loose end. Sometimes, this means taking a reflective pause. Other times, pausing is just an excuse not to get after it and live fully.

The ego is a lot like my dog, Nero. A loyal friend who is willing to protect and guard and also willing to roll over for belly rubs, but when feeling safe. If you your dog is worth loving (and it is), your ego is also worth loving. There are no bad dogs - just people who don’t understand their own egos! Nero will bark and snarl at the gate of our house if someone unfamiliar approaches, and once he perceives a threat, it’s hard for him to calm down and relax. BUT if you put him in his crate (little cage/mini-condo with his bed and blankets) before bring the visitor inside, then when you let him out to say hello he’s all tail-wags and licks. And If I were to bring a visitor home with me, he’d squeal and wiggle with joy behind that very same gate, because the unknown has become meaningful via its association with a picture he loves (me).

So, give the ego a reason to feel secure. It’s an ancient aspect of the human being which has helped us to categorise 'safe’ from ‘unsafe’ for millions of years while adapting to the needs of the present. There is no getting by without it. It’s an aspect of the whole. The nitty gritty and the shitty is also an expression of the universe. The ego is the sense of ‘I’ which forms each of our identities - and this ‘I’ needs a purpose. It can be anything, from ‘be here now’ to ‘make a million bucks’ to ‘be a great partner’ to ‘learn to move like Ido’ but it has to feel real. If it doesn’t feel real and true to you, you won’t be able to kid yourself into believing it. It has to be something which matters - and even the belief that ‘nothing matters’ is a purpose because it is a felt truth which informs daily action!

If you’re feeling a little floaty or ‘in limbo’ and your sure what your purpose is, then just observe how you live your life. See what you do and how you do it. Your existing modus operandi IS your purpose and it will direct the course of your existence. It’s there, whether you’re aware of it or not. If you feel no urgency to change the way you’re living, then keep doing what you’re doing for now and see where it goes. But if you get the feeling that there’s a discord between the way you’re living and who you would like to be/become, then it’s time to re-evaluate your purpose. I think most of us have a few different purposes over the course of a lifetime. Only in retrospect can we see the common thread or ‘ultimate truth’ which connects each of our purposes.

But the most important thing is this: above all else, BE IT. Be the living embodiment of whatever you are, whatever your purpose is, no matter how trivial it might seem. Be absolutely sincere in living up to this purpose. Self-realise by being as you are FULLY rather than half-playing your identity. If you’re the kind of person who likes the idea of ‘non-attachment’ then recognise the difference between holding back from life out of fear (spiritual bypassing) and allowing yourself to become attached so that you can then let go (the true test of human spirit). If you’re lying in bed, be there. If you’re in a rush, make sure you’re actually going faster. If you’re lost, embrace being fully lost and see where it leads you. You’re going where you need to go, either way.