My story

I started out as a Philosophy student with a love of all things strength training. I would go to uni, expand my head with big, abstract ideas, then head to the gym and train hard for hours. I was getting HD’s, lifting PB’s, felt proud of my body and I was a young guy with a lot going for me. Externally I was “successful” and doing everything right. Then it started to fall apart.

My dad was diagnosed with leukaemia. Week by week, he deteriorated. Week by week, I trained harder. I desperately wanted things to feel normal. But they weren’t normal, and no amount of training would change that. One Thursday he went to hospital and the next Thursday my brothers and I sat by his bedside and, holding his hand, turned off his life-support.

Rather than sit and melt down, I turned my denial, grief and anger into fuel. I worked myself hard, building a muscular suit of armour to protect myself from life. Months went past, numbing like this. I couldn’t let my emotion out because I was holding it together for Mum. But I do remember being out to dinner with my then girlfriend and having an existential panic attack.

Eventually, my body gave out. I’d severely injured my back and couldn’t walk some days. With training off the table, I had no outlet and became a difficult person to be around. My relationship began to deteriorate. I had no empathy to give - not to myself or anyone else - I was just surviving. I tried, but I couldn’t open up, so she broke up with me… and boy did it come up.

I became a wreck. My existence felt like pure suffering. I couldn’t manage it and I couldn’t make it go away. I was terrified of dying and living hurt more than I knew possible. I had no choice but to surrender; to give up on feeling better; to stop wriggling and accept all that had happened. I learned to sit, breathe, observe and let all of the stifled emotions flow through me.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I would go on to reshape my perspective on just about every important relationship in my life: with humans, training, my body-mind and the world. Realisation after realisation, I became aware of the totally interconnected chain of events which had to happen the way they did. I saw my life playing out in front of me, in segments, linked by theme.

Physical events like my back injury weren’t only physical - they were the result of poor problem solving. My body would suffer when it couldn’t adapt (find a solution to) to a new stimulus (problem). And on some level, my body couldn’t adapt because I was mentally inflexible - stuck in old behavioural patterns, unable to be open, receptive and aware of change. Two sides of one coin.

My emotional breakdowns weren’t random either - they would come at times when I no longer had the energy to “hold myself together”. My psychological injuries stagnated as long as I stifled my emotions, which was a result of being constantly tense in my body. Relaxed, meditative movement dissipated tension in my tissues and allowed me to mentally and emotionally flow.

It was all coming together. I realised that the nervous system - which manages our entire human experience - was designed to flow. When neural signals became distorted by process of over-tensing, over-thinking or over-protecting, even the simplest things would feel overwhelming. Energy came to those who were well-attuned; those who could breathe, sense, move, think and digest harmoniously.

Years on, I am now more attuned than I have ever been. I’m stronger, more relaxed in myself and more athletic in a broader range of ways than before… and when I get injured, I rarely worry because I’m able to use movement - ranging from breath work to strength training - to heal myself. Now when I train, rest or move, I channel the image of the jaguar a powerful and adaptable symbol of inner-knowing and trust in the unknown.

I hope reading this has brought us closer in some way and that perhaps something about my story resonates with your own. If so, perhaps we can link up to chat, record a podcast or and work together in some capacity. I wish you all the very best on your journey!